On how I got caught up in a sophisticated criminal enterprise

Today's Ann Arbor News arrives with this story about local police taking down a criminal conspiracy right here in Ann Arbor. And it turns out I might be involved.

See, there's this goofy girl I work with who shall remain nameless - though I will tell you her gang name is Cheeseburger - who is a health food fanatic. When I say health food, I'm sure most of you are thinking fruits and vegetables, salad as the main course, maybe a little vegetarian, whatever. That's not what I'm talking about. Cheeseburger buys all her groceries on the Internet. All-organic is the minimum, including sun tan lotion. As far as I can tell, she has never eaten anything I have ever heard of or can even pronounce. She's out there, frankly. Which is fine... until The Lyrical Gangster gets drug into it. Which is exactly what happened about a month ago.

She came to me frantically one Friday morning with a very strange and urgent request. She had a two-hour window to pick up two gallons of milk on the other side of town or she would lose her monthly dairy supply. She couldn't get away from work and asked me if I would go on my lunch hour and help her out. This is where it gets weird.

It seems Cheeseburger actually owns part of a cow. She had signed up for a cow share program where she basically bought a fraction of a cow, sort of like a time share condo arrangement. This gives her the right to legally purchase non-pastuerized milk, otherwise known as raw milk. I am not making this up. Apparently in Cheeseburger's world, when dairies pasteurize their milk so it doesn't kill you this is a bad thing because the corporate conglomerate, Bush Administration blah blah blah is engaged in this big conspiracy to take all the health benefits out of the milk we drink. Of course drinking non-pasteurized milk can be very dangerous, which is why it is illegal to sell it in Michigan. The only people who can even drink it are people who own and board their own cows. Thus is born the cow share program.

These goofy farmers take their milk directly from the cow, skip the pastuerization, put it in jugs and bring it to Ann Arbor once a month where the hippies who "own" part of the cow line up to buy it. And Cheeseburger couldn't make it to the other side of town to pick it up. So she asked me to go and, after some negotiation, I agreed.

When I arrived at the wine and cheese shop she had directed me to I didn't notice any customers at all, especially not a huge line of raw milk drinking hippies. I walked over to the lady behind the counter and told her I was here to pick up some milk. She gave me a knowing look and told me to follow her. She took me into the store's backroom and then down these rickety stairs into a shady looking basement. And there they were. A huge line of Kerry-supporting, long haired 60's holdouts waiting to buy milk that only hours ago was being drained from the belly of a cow. It was like some Prohibition era speakeasy. You wouldn't guess from the outside what was going on and only those select few who knew the secret were allowed in.

I waited forever, found Cheeseburger's order form (placed, as required, a couple days in advance), paid an outrageous price and left with my two gallons of milk. Other than the weirdness, I hadn't really thought about it much until today when the whole system was busted by the Michigan Department of Agriculture and the state police.

Here's a portion of the story from the Ann Arbor News:

"Every Friday morning, about 100 people show up at the Morgan & York wine and specialty shop on Packard Street to pick up their weekly orders of raw, unpasteurized milk as well as eggs, chickens, honey and other naturally grown food delivered straight from three Michigan farms.

But last week, the members of a local food co-op waited in vain - the delivery truck never arrived. En route to Ann Arbor, poultry and beef farmer Richard Hebron of Vandalia was stopped by state police troopers, who seized his load of goods under a search warrant obtained by the Michigan Department of Agriculture.

The MDA says it is investigating possible violations of the state's food and dairy laws, including the selling of unpasteurized milk, in Washtenaw County and Cass County, where Hebron lives...

Authorities seized 450 gallons of Hebron's raw milk, as well as fresh cream, kefir, buttermilk, yogurt, butter, all the milk coolers, invoices for that day's distribution and his cell phone, Hebron said.

Attorney Peter Kennedy of Weston A. Price Foundation in Sarasota, Fla., who is acting as an adviser to Hebron, said the investigation was touched off last April when a Washtenaw County woman's three children became sick. She told her doctor she thought they'd become sick from pasteurized milk, but added that she also bought raw milk from the co-op.

That doctor followed up with the county health department, which passed the information on to the MDA, Kennedy said. The MDA began a sting operation. An agent joined the co-op and bought raw milk from Hebron from May through October. The milk was tested, and found to be fine, Kennedy said."

To make a long story short, the cops and the state are accusing the farmers of selling unmarked or mislabeled goods.

I'm not sure Cheeseburger even knows about the bust, but her fellow hippies are enraged.

"For two years, co-op member Diane Thal Gluck of Ann Arbor has bought everything she can from Hebron, right down to bones for the family dog. She's convinced that raw, unpasteurized and unhomogenized milk is superior, and feels better getting her milk from cattle that are not given hormones. 'I'm outraged this is what the Department of Agriculture chooses to do with our (tax) money,' Thal Gluck said. She said she believes the state's laws should be changed to allow for the sale of raw milk. 'It seemed that extraordinary, almost odd measures were taken against someone trying to sell a healthy product,' her husband, Peter Gluck, said. 'You can investigate, but to attempt to put a farmer out of business is a little beyond investigation. It's intimidation. We understand the issues, but this is a little harsh...'"

The farmer has sent an e-mail to his customers (I'll try to get a copy) saying he will be back at the Ann Arbor store to sell his goods tomorrow. You can bet I won't be standing in line this time.