On how I got caught up in a sophisticated criminal enterprise
Today's Ann Arbor News arrives with this story about local police taking down a criminal conspiracy right here in
See, there's this goofy girl I work with who shall remain nameless - though I will tell you her gang name is Cheeseburger - who is a health food fanatic. When I say health food, I'm sure most of you are thinking fruits and vegetables, salad as the main course, maybe a little vegetarian, whatever. That's not what I'm talking about. Cheeseburger buys all her groceries on the Internet. All-organic is the minimum, including sun tan lotion. As far as I can tell, she has never eaten anything I have ever heard of or can even pronounce. She's out there, frankly. Which is fine... until The Lyrical Gangster gets drug into it. Which is exactly what happened about a month ago.
She came to me frantically one Friday morning with a very strange and urgent request. She had a two-hour window to pick up two gallons of milk on the other side of town or she would lose her monthly dairy supply. She couldn't get away from work and asked me if I would go on my lunch hour and help her out. This is where it gets weird.
It seems Cheeseburger actually owns part of a cow. She had signed up for a cow share program where she basically bought a fraction of a cow, sort of like a time share condo arrangement. This gives her the right to legally purchase non-pastuerized milk, otherwise known as raw milk. I am not making this up. Apparently in Cheeseburger's world, when dairies pasteurize their milk so it doesn't kill you this is a bad thing because the corporate conglomerate, Bush Administration blah blah blah is engaged in this big conspiracy to take all the health benefits out of the milk we drink. Of course drinking non-pasteurized milk can be very dangerous, which is why it is illegal to sell it in
These goofy farmers take their milk directly from the cow, skip the pastuerization, put it in jugs and bring it to Ann Arbor once a month where the hippies who "own" part of the cow line up to buy it. And Cheeseburger couldn't make it to the other side of town to pick it up. So she asked me to go and, after some negotiation, I agreed.
When I arrived at the wine and cheese shop she had directed me to I didn't notice any customers at all, especially not a huge line of raw milk drinking hippies. I walked over to the lady behind the counter and told her I was here to pick up some milk. She gave me a knowing look and told me to follow her. She took me into the store's backroom and then down these rickety stairs into a shady looking basement. And there they were. A huge line of Kerry-supporting, long haired 60's holdouts waiting to buy milk that only hours ago was being drained from the belly of a cow. It was like some Prohibition era speakeasy. You wouldn't guess from the outside what was going on and only those select few who knew the secret were allowed in.
I waited forever, found Cheeseburger's order form (placed, as required, a couple days in advance), paid an outrageous price and left with my two gallons of milk. Other than the weirdness, I hadn't really thought about it much until today when the whole system was busted by the Michigan Department of Agriculture and the state police.
Here's a portion of the story from the Ann Arbor News:
"Every Friday morning, about 100 people show up at the Morgan & York wine and specialty shop on Packard Street to pick up their weekly orders of raw, unpasteurized milk as well as eggs, chickens, honey and other naturally grown food delivered straight from three Michigan farms.
But last week, the members of a local food co-op waited in vain - the delivery truck never arrived. En route to
The MDA says it is investigating possible violations of the state's food and dairy laws, including the selling of unpasteurized milk, in
Authorities seized 450 gallons of
Attorney Peter Kennedy of Weston A. Price Foundation in
That doctor followed up with the county health department, which passed the information on to the MDA, Kennedy said. The MDA began a sting operation. An agent joined the co-op and bought raw milk from
To make a long story short, the cops and the state are accusing the farmers of selling unmarked or mislabeled goods.
I'm not sure Cheeseburger even knows about the bust, but her fellow hippies are enraged.
"For two years, co-op member Diane Thal Gluck of
The farmer has sent an e-mail to his customers (I'll try to get a copy) saying he will be back at the
4 Comments:
that is such a bizarre story. it's funny how people equate "natural" with "healthy". a lot of things are "natural"-- anthrax, botulism, e.coli, etc are all part of nature's bounty.
that you got mixed up in all this just makes it that more hilarious.
By Anonymous, at 2:15 PM
Milk does not come from the belly of a cow. It comes from the udder of the cow. And as one of 4 other cow share operators in the state ,I am not a "goofy" farmer but a wise farmer who serves other well respected people of this state. If you were ever to see my customer list, you would wonder what these people knew that you didn't know about milk. It a wierd world that we live in. It would be easier for us to produce liquor than it is raw milk. And we could even sell that too - instead of the crop that it came from. In other states it's perfectly fine to buy raw milk. Hopefully, Cheeseburger can find another source for her milk soon.
By Anonymous, at 8:02 AM
Just curious, is this Cheeseburger chick single? Are you able to post a pic? Thanks. Also, I think that "make extra money" post may be a scam.
By Anonymous, at 11:25 PM
To anonymous:
Please identify yourself so I can turn you over to the proper authorities.
To Wael:
Is nature's bounty anything like nature's bosom?
To Senor B:
Cheeseburger declines, even with a VERY strong endorsement of your masculinity and availability.
To anonymous #2:
Nice extra cash secret shopping? Do tell!
By Mookie, at 5:05 PM
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